Saturday, July 14, 2012

Chop Suey and Changes

Yesterday was the two year anniversary of when my mom passed away.  The week was a bit emotional, but all in all not horrible.  My life has changed a lot since last year, and I have a lot more positive things to focus on and celebrate than I did last year.  Last year I was in a place where all I could focus on was what I'd lost.  Perhaps in hindsight, that's the reason I didn't have more positive things going on in my life.  I was too focused on the past to see what was ahead of me. 
So on this particular Friday the 13th, I needed to make sure that my dad was taken care of and had some company.  He has five other children, none of whom even called yesterday to check in on him, so I'm thinking that this was a good decision on my part.  So I told Josh (the wonderful man in my life if you haven't kept up with me) that I thought that we needed to spend Friday night with my dad, which of course he was fine with.  Then I told my dad to think of what he'd like me to make for dinner.  Anything he wanted.  Maybe something that he hadn't had for a while.  Maybe something that my mom used to make.
If you don't know my dad, he is a bit indecisive.  He tends to just go along with things, which explains how he survived 32 years with my mom, because most of the time she pretty much knew exactly what she wanted.  Sometimes she would say she didn't care, but if we did something she didn't want you felt the vibe the whole time that this was not her choice.  My dad on the other hand truly doesn't care.  He is pretty much content doing anything with anybody.  I don't know if I can name a single person he doesn't like.  So anyway, because my dad is indecisive, I had to prompt him quite a bit.  At first, he thought that when I said that I would make him ANYTHING that I meant that I would make him any of the things that I've been making from my Paleo cookbooks.  I had to explain that when I said anything I meant anything.  So then I prompted him a bit by naming some things my mom used to make.  Macaroni and cheese, meat loaf, Hungarian goulash, Chop Suey, pork ribs.
"Wait a minute - go back," my dad says.
"What?"
"Chop Suey.  That sounds good."
So Chop Suey is what I made.  My dad was off work this week, so he insisted on picking up all of the necessary ingredients that he didn't already have. 
Chop Suey is basically a Chinese food version of beef stew if I really had to try to describe it.  It was one of my mother's favorite recipes, one of the few that she would eat and that she actually specifically said that she really liked.  But she didn't make it very often because it "took too long".  When I was a mean and horrible teenager, I interpreted this to mean that she was feeling lazy.  I can now confirm that it really is a time consuming dish.  It basically took about an hour and a half to make, most of that in the kitchen watching and stirring, adding ingredients, etc.  Based on the fact that the instructions took up less than half an index card, I had no idea that it would take so long.  And yet, it did.  So I made the Chop Suey because that is what my daddy requested and I think it turned out well.  I'm pretty sure it wasn't as good as when my mom made it, but not bad for my first try...
When the Chop Suey was almost ready, I took out a page from my mom's book and I busted out her Little Red Hen book from the kitchen and started to read it.   This is something that has become a family joke over the years.  When my brother and I started to outgrow our Little Golden books and decided to get rid of them, my mom came across the tiny version of The Little Red Hen in the box.  She read the story aloud and decided that The Little Red Hen reminded her of herself.  So she put the tiny book in the kitchen on the shelf with her recipes.  And from that point forward, when she was working in the kitchen and wanted help with something but nobody was offering, she would bust out the book and start reading.  "Who will help me bake the bread?"  "'Not I' said the pig.  'Not I' said the goose." 
It was a night of remembering and at the same time of enjoying the new life before us.  I miss my mom every day.  I wish that she could meet Josh.  I wish that she could see me truly happy for the first time in a really long time - because I know she worried about me a lot.  I wish that I could go to her for advice and laugh with her about the silly things I've done.  But I can't let that keep me from moving forward, and I'm not.  I am enjoying my new life and remembering the ways my mom prepared me for it.  Thank you, Mom for helping to make me the woman that I am today.

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Saturday Morning Send-offs

This morning I am craving chocolate mini-muffins with chocolate chips.  I believe that there are two reasons for this particular craving: the first being that I can't have a chocolate mini-muffin with chocolate chips, and the second, and more important reason is because I a nearing the two year mark since I lost my mom. 
There were many mornings that my brother and I would wake up at an hour that should not exist, particularly on the weekends, to the sound of my mom baking something in the kitchen.  If we stayed in bed, it wouldn't be long before the sweet smell of muffins or coffee cakes or banana bread would draw us to the kitchen.  She was always making something, and most of the time it was something that she wouldn't eat.  She was making it just because she knew that it would make her family happy.
My favorite thing that she would make on days like this was the chocolate mini-muffins with chocolate chips.  They were tasty, but this was not the best thing about them.  No, the best thing about the chocolate mini-muffins was the generosity of them.  I know that sounds weird, but keep reading and you'll understand.  The chocolate mini-muffins were something that my mom would make for my brother and me when we were going off on a trip, like an away soccer game, or when we had a track meet.  Anything that involved a full day of activity, there would be muffins.  And the muffins were not just for my brother and I - oh no - my mom made enough muffins to feed the entire soccer team.  Even the people who were not always nice to us would get a muffin because there were just that many.  And for track, well there weren't QUITE enough muffins for the entire team, but there were plenty to go around amongst our own little groups of friends. 
The muffins were so great not just because they tasted good, but because they were shared.  It gave my mom joy to be able to make her children and her friends smile.  And it gave me joy to be able to share with my friends and to hear them say that my mom was awesome.  The muffins were a send-off snack, an unspoken blessing, a good luck gesture, a hug from mom before the big race or game. 
Some days I feel like I could use some of those muffins, not just for the muffins, but for all of the love and kindness and generosity that was wrapped up in them.